Ninu--hey, stop hitting yourself!

One of the great things about living near Osaka is the exposure to Kansai-ben. For any of you who don't know what that is, Kansai is the south central part of Japan that includes Osaka, Kyoto, Kobe, Nara, Hyogo, Wakayama, Mie, and Shiga. It's also known as the Kinki region. So anyway, Kansai-ben is the special dialect that is spoken in these parts.

Now, you don't have to live in Kansai to hear Kansai-ben. Since there are so many comedians from Kinki (yeah, the people here are that damn funny, I guess), whenever you watch a Japanese comedy or variety show, you will probably hear Kansai-ben. Ergo, the dialect is kind of associated with being funny. But it's also just fun to use - the way a lot of the words just kind of roll of your tongue. And it's awesome to be the cool/funny foreigner who can speak Kansai-ben.

Anyway, I've heard and learned enough of the dialect to know there's a lot more for me to learn. And some of it borders on inane. Here's an example from the vlog of thatjapanesegirl. Just to be clear, I'm not criticizing her - I think this is an awesome video and I lost it when she started to...well, you'll see. It's just, how often do you get the chance to use the Kansai-ben word for "boiled egg?" 見てごらん (Please watch):

MG: Solid 3 Commercial

I've never played any of the Metal Gear games myself, but I gather that in this one you eat snakes and wash them down with beer.

A Great Place to Visit #1

My good friend Paul has kindly offered me the position of Minority Opinion Writer under contract on his popular web-log, Just Another Day in Japan. As for the contract, he didn't know but I mumbled my terms while we shook hands, a legally binding oral-contract in any country. Sadly except Japan I learned later ("The Legal Consciousness of Contract in Japan" Kawashima – <-- actual source cited). So here I am, no richer, drinking coffee, writing an article on a napkin with a stolen acquired ballpoint pen, about Japan, in Japan.

I have spent a good amount of time with these people, not unlike Grizzly Man with the Alaskan murder-bears. I don't mean that in a demeaning way, and as obvious as it may seem that I'm comparing Japanese people to bears, my intention is quite different. My point is that no matter how much time Timothy Treadwell spent in Alaska he was never accepted by the bears. Actually, if you don't know who that guy is you should probably fire up your Google right now and read his wiki or something because I'm going to keep going with this. He spent years there living far away from his friends and family while slowly growing closer and closer to the bears. Closer and closer to joining the bear “in group”. He spent so much time there he began to feel like a part of their bear community and even a part of their bear families. Many foreigners who come to Japan feel the same way. Then they get mauled. The difference here is that foreigners in Japan don't get heart-wrenching documentaries made about them. Also, they aren't so much 'mauled', as they are told by a Japanese person that I can't appreciate good coffee because in Japan “Amerikan” coffee = mild blend, for some incomprehensible reason. God damn bears.

Now let's get into the head of the collective Japanese. First, imagine a world where everything is the opposite of Grizzly Man. Actually, imagine the world of Rupert Bear (Google that wiki, homes!). I imagined living in Japan would be like that. Here I am, an anthropomorphic bear living with my various anthropomorphic friends and I'm going to move to the world of people. In my Rupert Bear world, not only would I be completely accepted, nobody would even comment on how I'm a bear, that I can do things such as speak people language, eat people food and use proper utensils. Sadly real life is very un-Rupert Bear. Imagine Rupert Bear moved into your neighborhood. Would you stare at him? Hell yeah you would! Your new neighbor's a bear! Would you be surprised when he said hello in English? You kidding me? It'd blow your mind! How about when he eats beef stroganoff with a knife and fork? You'd be all like, “Holy crap! That bear is eating beef stroganoff AND can somehow work a knife and fork with his giant, meaty paws!” Welcome to Japan, gaijin. Where everything you do creates wonder.

“But Joe!” You say, “YOU live there! It can't be all bad!” First off, I was getting to that so don't interrupt. Second, yes, it's not all bad. In fact, it can be quite awesome (no open bottle law? Yes please). True, nobody wants to sit next to a bear on the train, but because of this, bears definitely can get away with some stuff. Not enough money for a train ticket? Walk on through! Guy won't stop a bear! If he does stop you, speak some bear language at him. How long do you think he'll try to communicate with a bear before he feels silly and let's you lumber away? Now, you may think that this would just help perpetuate the myth that bears can't speak and act like normal people. You are correct, my cub. Honestly, I try to act like a functioning member of society 24x7. If only for the dream that one day I'll be able to drink my coffee without criticism. Still, I won't blame you if you pull this stuff. The difference here is that I do live here. You don't (well, most likely). And if you are somewhere across the sea there is still hope for you. Here is where I get to the point of this article: Japan is a Great Place to Visit. The country is clean, beautiful, and the food is awesome. Most importantly the people are ridiculously nice to guests. It's when you make the transition from 'guest' to 'guest who stays too long' that life gets tricky. If you've toyed with the idea of moving to Japan and want to know what you should do, I'm not going to make that decision for you. What I will do is give you a sample of my adventures in Japan through metaphor and witty rhetoric. If you decided to join me on this rock island, at least let me prepare you for what you won't see on your animes and read in your mangas, you otaku. So keep coming back and reading Paul's excellent blog while I occasionally fill the spots between. I swear the next one will be mostly bear free.

Exciting as watching a...hole in the wall?

I just read a Japan Times article about how a certain show has taken off and caught the interest of foreign TV execs. You know, I've seen the show before, and I did find it pretty amusing. But you gotta ask yourself if this is a good idea. Compared to other Japanese TV shows, yeah, maybe this thing is gold. But compared to British or American programming? I'm not so sure.

The idea is novel, but I'm not sure - how long could a show like this really go on? Could something like this really run for more than a season? A show about guys in spandex trying to fit themselves into holes in a wall? But then maybe I'm giving the average TV junkie too much credit.

Let's enjoy Japanese: Hot and Cold

The last couple weeks have been pretty mild. There was even a day or two that got up to around 18 C (about 64 F). And then it got cold again. And rainy and miserable. Towards the end of the week, though, things may heat up again. This kind of weather isn't unusual for the end of winter in temperate climes.

The other day I learned that there is a Japanese expression for this type of weather behavior. It's even a yo-ji (word or phrase made up of a 4-kanji chain)! Ready? Here it is:

三寒四温

It's pronounced 「さんかんしおん」(sankan-shion). Literally, the kanji mean "three cold four hot." When put into its proper context, it refers to the weather cycle that follows the rough pattern of three cold days and then four warm days.

I think it's a pretty cool phrase to know, but just be warned that it's not exactly mainstream. I learned it from a teacher that I work with, and although I tried to sneak it into conversations with some of my Japanese coworkers and friends, only about half of them knew what I was talking about.

J-Word Play #8

Learned this one a while back - think it may have been my first, actually:

鈴木さんの好きなものは何でしょうか？（すずきさんのすきなものはなんでしょうか？）

As always, email me the answer at ecyrus@gmail.com.

Ninja Insurance

Not sure why this is dubbed over in English, but funny nevertheless.

At the station

Our friends drifted off to other side of the stairway, leaving her and I alone again to talk. I expected that now she would answer the question I had asked her two days ago. The question that had been eating at me since then. Instead she pointed at the small loaf of bread I was holding, a present from her excursion into the city. "Think of me when you eat it," she said with a smile. I wanted to tell her that I had been thinking of her almost nonstop for the past two weeks, so that would hardly be a problem. "Of course I will," I answered instead.

She was leaving the next morning, back to her home town in the sticks, back to nights at the club for high society where she worked as the piano player. I looked at her, unsure what to say next. We both looked across the stairs at our friends. "I'd still like to visit you sometime," I said. "If it's ok. If you have time."

"Ah, really?" she smiled. "Well, I'll be busy with work, but...I'll be back for a few days in May. We can see each other then," she added reassuringly. I nodded and smiled. That smile. Not a mask unique to this country, but this was where I had really learned to wear it. We lingered for a moment, and as our friends turned back towards us I struggled with how to say goodbye, unsure exactly where we were at. She leaned in closer to me and put her hand on my arm. I did the same. "Well then...have a safe trip." I said. "Goodbye!"

--

I used to enjoy writing short stories, but it's been a while since I had any inspiration or seriously tried my hand at one. This is, perhaps, a little short even for a short story, but we start with baby steps, don't we?

Anyway, I think we'll be back to our regular content this weekend. Until then!

But why is she so upset?

Devil May Cry is a game that came out for the PlayStation back in 2001. It was noted for its subpar and often absurd storyline and dialogue, as well as its intensely fun and fast-paced action. The ability to juggle enemies in the air, sometimes indefinitely, is probably its most recognizable feature.

Denizens of Japan #6: Nutoria (Beaver-rats)

It seems that at least half of the denizens I've written about have evoked my ire or repulsion in some way. But not all Japan-based creatures have forged antagonistic relationships with me. Take this thing:

How could I hate that? I didn't even know what the hell it was or that it even existed prior to a few days ago. Well, apparently it's a nutria, a.k.a a coypu. The natives call it ヌートリア. The Dutch call them beaver-rats, and I think I can guess why. Anyway, it seems a family just moved (or was moved...?) into a nearby park. They built these dirty-looking nests in a shallow pond. Hey, live and let live. The little ones are even kind of cute. But they'd better leave the sakura and ume trees alone, or they'll soon be on my $#%& list.