(Married and) Unmarried Japanese Women

One of the social issues that Japan currently faces is a deflated birth rate. Combined with the country's aging population, this trend, if unaddressed, is going to cause some serious economic (and perhaps other) problems in the future. I'm not sure whether it's related to my own personal feelings and experiences, but for some reason I find myself very interested in this topic.

Recently I came across a couple of pages on Yahoo! Japan related to marriage in Japan. First off - a poll about how married couples met:

Honestly some of the results are a little depressing (as a single guy who'd like to get married at some point), but I don't know how these numbers compare to America. On the right side, the first question asks at what age you met your partner. For women, the average was 24.3 years old. For guys, 25.6. The number below that indicates what percentage of men and women met their partner in their 20's. 82.6% of women and 77.3% of men. The clock is ticking, I guess.

The chart on the left is pretty interesting, if only for #5. It lists the top 5 ways individuals met their partners. The answers are as follows:

#1. At work

#2. Introduced by a friend

#3. Met in school

#4. Gokon (these are kind of like group blind dates that have become a popular way to meet people)

#5. Social networking sites

Online, really? Japanese people have always struck me as very private about their personal information online. I'm pretty surprised that so many Japanese people have actually met in real life and gotten married after meeting online.

The second thing I wanted to share is an article about some findings on why unmarried women in Japan are unmarried. This article highlights the top two reasons why, the second of which strikes me as the larger issue:

#1. Don't have a partner (33.2%) [For example their workplace is filled with mostly women]

#2. Have a partner but "it's difficult" (24%) [Examples include "he isn't interested in marriage," "not enough income," and "don't like his parents."]

One revealing response matches up with something mentioned in a Sapio article I read a little while back (maybe one of these days I can get around to blogging about it, oi!). The respondent says that she wants someone who makes at least 6,000,000 yen per year. That's almost $73,000. Given today's economic climate and the earning potential of younger folk, that strikes me as a somewhat unrealistic expectation.

Not being able to find a boyfriend or girlfriend is a discouraging situation, and that seems to be the #1 case for unmarried J women. As for #2, there are definitely certain practical issues that should inform whether or not someone gets married. Money is a concern, certainly. But no situation is perfect, and personally I'd rather hitch my wagon to someone I love and who treats me well over someone making a couple figures more on her pay check. And although there are some who say "you marry the family," I also wouldn't let the prospect of bad in-laws deter me from being with someone I was otherwise crazy about. But well, each to his (or her) own, I suppose.

I'd be interested to see how these results compare with women from the U.S. and other countries.

Japan and Dating: Part 2

Last week we briefly explored one aspect of Japanese courting practices. If you've ever seen the Japanese classic Battle Royale, you'll no doubt have heard "suki" (I love you) more than a few times before everyone was dead. Today, however, I want to talk about another, harder to observe side of dating in Japan.

Again, a quick disclaimer: I'm nowhere near an expert on this subject matter. I'm just sharing my observations. That said, it really is a difficult subject to analyze. It's a secret little world that is very nearly impossible to completely infiltrate, although glimpses are plentiful to those who pay attention.

Yay, freedom! When you get married, you can finally tell people you're seeing someone!

Photo Source: Digital World Tokyo

Many Japanese relationships, prior to marriage, are characterized by a sense of secrecy and discretion that is taken very seriously. Of course the degree of this behavior varies from couple to couple, and I think younger Japanese today, although still affected by this social more, are somewhat more open in general than those of prior generations. I'm sure this tendency towards stealth dating is part of the overarching societal social phenomena of honne and tatema. Basically, it's separation of the "real" (private) self and the "outward" (public) self. In Japan, there is a much stricter distinction between the spheres of public and private life than in many Western countries. It may also have to do with old Confucian influences. Regardless of why, though, this is how it is.

My first girlfriend, though we started dating in America, was very shy in public at first. She was embarrassed to hold hands or have any real physical contact when there were any people around or when we were near her university. When we were with our mutual friends, she acted as if we weren't a couple. It was very frustrating and took a while to work through, and she couldn't really explain why she behaved like that - it was just what felt right to her. Two of my other female Japanese friends explained that she was "too Japanese," which left me scratching my head as to what the problem was.

A friend of mine who is dating a Japanese girl noted to me that she has always been rather reserved about introducing him to her friends, and they have been together for over 3 years now. A work friend of mine (who is Japanese) practically never talks about his girlfriend. All I know is that they've been together for 14 years and he is going to propose to her sometime soon. Another work friend of mine (who is Japanese and female) has a secret boyfriend. In other words, I found out that she is dating someone (a former coworker) through outside channels - she never talks about him or the fact that she is even in a relationship.

My last relationship was a good example of this aspect of Japanese dating. Let's just say that in Japanese schools (and perhaps many other work settings), dating your coworkers is discouraged. If the school authorities find out, one of the offending parties will most likely be transferred out to another school. That's not to say that it doesn't happen - it does, quite often from what I hear. But man, keeping it hush-hush is hard work. You might be thinking "Oh, it's like an adventure! Keeping secrets is fun!" Wrong. You have to watch how you interact in view of coworkers. And you can't just ignore each other, because that is too obvious. No, you have to be friendly, but not too friendly. You have to be careful not to get too familiar at work. And when you go out, you have to be careful...if you run into a student or a coworker, you're in for it. The rumors at school will start, and...well, let's just say I didn't want to deal with it anymore after a couple months.

These are just a few examples - it really is a very widespread behavior from what I've heard and seen. But what do you have to say on the topic? Have you dated someone from Japan or another country? In your experience, were they more or less open about dating than we are in the States?

Japan and Dating: Part 1

Generally speaking, when you put yourself out there, things will end in one of two ways...

Scenario - 男(Guy): "I like you! Please go out with me...!"

Possibility A - 女(Gal): "I...I like you, too."

Possibility B - 女(Gal): "I'm sorry!"

My knowledge of dating and relationships in Japan is limited, as is my own personal experience in the area. That is to say I have some, but not nearly enough to qualify me as an expert. Still, I thought it would be interesting to have a look at some aspects of this part of Japanese life.

First, I'd like to talk a bit about the comic strips above. They come from the first three pages of a manga I started reading recently called Rangeman. On the first page, some offscreen guy says "あなたの事が好きです！！！付き合ってください！！！" I like you! Please go out with me!

She stammers "わ...私も" I...I...also...

On page two, she finishes "私もあなたが好き" I like you, too.

As we can see, this is taking place on a big monitor on a building. Looks like Shibuya, in Tokyo.

Finally on page three, we see that this guy has just laid down a similar line, but this girl isn't having it. "ごめんなさい..." I'm sorry...

For today, I want to talk a little bit about these lines, as they seem to be pretty common fare. If you are familiar at all with manga or anime or Japanese movies in their original language, you'll have noticed that there often comes a time when a character will struggle through a great deal of embarrassment and tension and tell some girl that he likes her. He'll usually say something like:

"あなたが好き" (anata ga suki) or sometimes just "好き" (suki), or some variation. There really are a ton of ways to express the same thought. If the guy is lucky, the object of his affection will reciprocate. "私も好き" (watashi mo suki). If not, however...we come to the dreaded "ごめんなさい" (gomennasai). Yup. If she doesn't feel the same way, she'll tell you she's sorry and then probably walk away laughing cruelly.

This formula pops up all over the place. Often the guy will toss in a "付き合ってください" (tsukiatte kudasai). Back in college, there were these female Japanese exchange students who I was friends with. One of them clearly had a thing for me, so I decided to ask her out. First, I consulted with a friend of mine, who was an older Japanese graduate student. She advised me to tell the girl how I felt and then throw in a "付き合ってください." That was the first time I ever heard it. I did so, and I wound up going out with that girl for about two years.

I find the whole thing quite interesting and (unsurprisingly) uncharacteristic of the Japanese mentality. I say unsurprisingly because Japan is a country of harmonious dischord. Contradictions abound. In a culture centered around vagueness and being indirect, where did this come from? Directly saying "I like you"?

It's worth exploring, but I'm not sure how often this kind of thing actually happens in real life and how much of a romanticization it is. Perhaps it is a luxury of youth. I say this because, as I will talk about in Part 2, I have also come across a great deal of secrecy and discretion in Japanese relationships. But more on that next time.